Ah. Doing the things. The rugs went down yesterday, along with a good deal of cleaning of floors and cabinet fronts. And laundry. Ordered holiday fridge door covers and a festive bowtie clip for Lucky Barry.
Today I humped the step-stool downstairs and began the Great Shift. There’s Spode teapots and a cookie jar, and ornaments, and teacups and candle holders for the baking rack, all up high on the shelves in the laundry room. I left the plates, bowls, and mugs in their boxes on the shelf though. The mugs make me far too sad; I used to make hot cocoa with whipped cream in them for when Larry was working in the yard. We’d take little breaks out back by the firepit. All the Spode is the Christmas tree pattern, and most of it came from clearance sales at Dillard’s, and a few from Macy’s. This meant Larry and I would be out shopping together, something we did a lot. The Spode carries a lot of memories. The Christmas breakfast in bed, waffles and strawberries. We never did get to use the bowls, they were the latest acquisition from when we used to go out to Layton for our massages near the mall.
I also got the tote with the holiday throws and decorative cushions up the stairs, and swapped out the front room. I brought up the kitchen bows and beads tote, put the gold bow on the front door. The rest of the kitchen can be done tomorrow. This leaves five distinct chores: the tree in the shed, the front room silk flowers, the bells and ornaments under the eaves, lights in the front window because I cannot do roof lights, and then cards. Maybe neighbor gifts. I have some lights for the window, but not THE lights. This bothers me.
Having a bad day, it’s been a bit down hill for the past week or so anyway. I want to do all this, but the “why bother” is coming on strong. My nest must be cozy, I love my stuff. I think Larry liked it, but he may have been indifferent too; perhaps he liked that I liked it so much. I know he was proud of his roof lights. I set out the pillows which have joy and merry and happy on them. I am not joyous or merry nor happy. I don’t know exactly what I am. I am not suicidal or end it all, but I spend too much time in bed, too much time picking away at nothing. It’s a weird mix of getting on with it and not caring but enjoying the small things. That may be the problem, it is all so small when it is not shared. My world has collapsed in on itself and some days it feels like I’m just surviving in an air pocket. Then again, some days are okay. Nothing dire, just nothing wonderful.
I gave an internet stranger in my discord cadre a gift of money to buy shoes. She did, good ones for cold weather yet light enough for work. I’m glad I could help, life is miserable with bad footwear.
MaggieMayhem 