What I love about my bleeding hearts is they are reliable, prolific, and long lasting. These have been in bloom for at least two weeks. Pictured is Baby, the big offspring of the mother plant. She was placed in a trashy corner of the yard and has begun to thrive.
So, my personal bleeding heart. I had a good moment this morning, I stood up, and I was thankful I was able to get up by myself, in my own house, with delicious coffee nearby. Realized my haves are beginning to counter my have nots. They are not equal, and never shall be, but the emotional balance is stabilizing. Acceptance according to the flawed grief stage propaganda. Those stages are an outline and suggestion, and often a lie.
So my have nots are big, and in one word, Larry. My friend, my lover, my companion, my caretaker, my strong back, my handyman, chauffer, and landscaper. I have lost couple vacations, road trips, camping, and spontaneous outings. Really miss rides and road trips, I have loved those forever. I am frustrated I cannot run errands when I wish. I really miss common touch and sex. My reason to exist, my why, has fundamentally shifted to an unknown quantity. Well, I am not getting that back. I will always be sad about that, not even part of any equation. So here I am, sad, but lately, feeling like I am not entirely done.
My haves are varied and complex. My health, such as it is. My senses. My sanity (shut up). I have been vaccinated. My house, and an income to pay the bills of said house. My cats. My vacation points and Massage Envy membership. My stuff, clothes, jewelry, toys. My internet and Amazon to bring me things. My working appliances.
I have Desi, who is a treasure. Jeremy calls when he can, and that is a lovely connection. I have other friends and family who love me, although visits are sparse. If I cannot garden or drive or fix things, I can pay someone.
I can get up in the morning, and as long as I feed the cats, or do not have an appointment, or it isn’t trash day, I can pretty much do as I please. I can binge watch shows online or my DVDs or TV reruns. I have a Kindle and an Audible library to enjoy. I can sew, bead, or paint. I can garden. I can cook and bake. I can nap or I can get up at midnight and have tea and listen to music. I can go for a walk, although physically, that’s terrifying. I can ride my trike, also terrifying. I could restart my movie membership and go watch movies at the mall when I wish. I do not have friends in town, but I have always been rather solitary as long as I can remember. I even had close friends at times, and still was content when solo. I can do solo.
Perhaps my bleeding heart is coming back, blooming a bit. Transplanted to a trash corner of life? Let’s see what takes and what returns.