Progress

Here is what I posted on Reddit in r/widowers, and did not feel like writing it all out again. A reflection on doing what I have not done in years, watch TV downstairs.

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Our house has a fully finished basement, a normal feature in this area. That’s where our family room is, with a gas fireplace, the main TV, and the double recliner. A few years back I had surgery which made getting in and out of the tall bed difficult, and sleeping lying down nearly impossible. We replaced the couch with a double recliner. It came in a box and he assembled it in place. That’s where we’d watch our recorded shows, he often was on the road and would catch up when he got back. I’d invariably sleep through most of what he watched. He’d make dinner, carry it down on a tray and we’d eat down there. That’s where he worked on the solar lights, made candles, did his leatherwork. My beading stuff was down there too, and my exercise equipment.

After he died, I spent as little time as possible down there. I gave away his candle and leather crafting things. I watched TV upstairs in the bedroom, or on my laptop in the little sitting room. The waterline break meant I had to have repairs done, and even though I was using the basement guest room, I couldn’t use the family room. It was done months ago, I moved back into our bedroom, but I still avoided the family room. Before the flood, there were cobwebs descending from the ceiling. Now there are new rugs, I got rid of the giant bean bag chair, I thinned out the shot glass collection. I can feel his look of disapproval for not keeping everything.

Today I turned on the TV and watched two stupid movies. I got some figurines packed to ship out, and I have begun cleaning the cabinet with my UV glass collection. Two years of dust on that. I am melancholy, I kept looking at his side of the recliners, but I didn’t cry. I was just sad. Mellow sad. The waves of despair didn’t come in like a high tide, they’re still out there in the grief ocean, but today was a good day to paddle in the shallow waters.

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I have a small bin of ceramic and porcelain animal figurines we rescued from a neighbor yardsale. I am giving the sets away a few at at time, to internet strangers. I’d been dragging my feet about packing more up because they’re in the basement. Time to get it done. While I was down there, the dust on the UV glass got to me, I took pieces up and washed them. Still have a shelf to go, well, two if you count the top, and them clean the wood. It’s an old Japanese tea cabinet, open faced. Uranium glass feels really weird, slick and oily, so under dust it was repulsive to touch. So shiny and beautiful when it is clean.

The Spode is still up, but everything else is done. The outdoor decor made it to the patio. Sometimes my progress is literally a few steps at a time. Getting there, slowly.