My Reddit Secret Santa arrived today. I opened it right up, as one does. A huge set of acrylic hair clips and fancy metal bobby pins, two teas from a fancy tea shop in their town, and fancy chocolates. A very nice gift, and I can tell they used my wish list for inspiration. I have eaten one chocolate, and I have a cup of Aloha Blend tea brewing right now. I feel warm inside. Still, clips are harder to use than barrettes in my long hair, so I popped onto Amazon and ordered two France Luxe barrettes, which are pricey, and a pack of felted wool toys for the fur jerks. France Luxe are not acrylic, they are cellulose acetate. The two look much the same, but they are not. This makes me a barrette snob!

My doorbell rang, and the neighbor kid from across the street brought a family gift. Peppermint hand soap, and a bag of peppermint bark pretzels. I had considered skipping making fudge, but now I think I must. If not, I will look at neighbor gifts when I go to the commissary tomorrow. I am simply so tired….

I didn’t buy many gifts. I got Desi a few things in Hawaii, and have ordered one thing which won’t arrive until later. I did the Reddit Secret Santa, and my giftee really liked what I chose for her. She even sent a little gift back, a book on foods to try on Maui! The other gift I sent was a gift from a wishlist for a little girl, a chef apron set. Her mom had posted on Widowers, and I know I really shouldn’t have, but I am a sucker for gifting.

I have spent Christmas in many places, and sometimes alone. I do love the trappings, but I did not decorate this year. Not into it. Well, I did give the Lokis a nice Christmas party in the roombox, and made Larry’s truck tree into a Godzilla. The 25th of December holds little meaning for me now, even the Solstice means more. Christmas is when everyone can get together, have hot drinks, hugs, and tell stories, and laugh. Presents are a bonus. In some ways, with Larry, even when he was deployed or on the road, I could look forward to a reunion and our little celebrations. Strawberry-cream cheese crepes and mimosas. Without him, I will never truly have Christmas again. Not truly and fully.

I simply do not know what is up with me this day. I am out of sorts, clumsy, muddled and moody. I did get some productive things done, litter boxes, dishes, charged a few batteries, finished unpacking, got meat out to thaw for chili. I showered, but didn’t really dress. I just gave up on the day early.

I was freaking out about taxes. I had gotten my letter from Social Security, and was worried about my income level. I used the IRS calculator, and it showed an enormous tax bill. $8K! I pulled up Tax Slayer, and did a rough estimate. That was traumatic too, the account I have been using for years is actually in Larry’s name and it would NOT let me change that. I began an entirely new account. If that is correct, then I do not have taxes, except whatever dividends come through. I am earning a little on some of the insurance money. I think after this tax season, I will start a little withholding to cover those expenses. But hot damn, that freaked me out this morning.

The yard guy came by. I didn’t have cash and the grass is not growing. The leaves out back are too wet to blow. Still, he cleared off the walk and drive and patio, no charge. That was so nice. I had to turn down the tamale guy when he showed up, this made me sad. That could have been a week of meals!

And so I have returned from Maui. I don’t have WordPress on my phone, hence no updates for ten days. Eleven. Yeah.

Air travel slays me these days. While I use wheelchair service, I still experience pain and exhaustion from a long trip. Airlive seats are simple not comfortable for anyone anymore, and they’re so close together that thumps and bumps and annoying each other is inevitable. I had some good seat mates along the way, that was nice.

Maui is wonderful. The air is fresh and clean, warm on the skin all the time. Beautiful flowers, the song of the sea, soaring mountains. Good food, friendly people, chill but not chilly. I love places like this, which includes Mexico. A nice break from brown air and dirty snow and the sad backyard.

However, this visit was difficult. I knew I would be sad when reminded of things Larry and I did together. Our last trip there had been epic and wonderful. We made plans on what else we would do, where else we would explore. All of that gone now. I did my best. I did have an enjoyable time, I did get into the pool, and found good food. The miasma of sadness was always there, always reminded that I was no longer half a couple.

I wore my travel wedding ring, having set aside the mourning band. Still, I didn’t wear it as often as not. I looked at the older couples, the ones my age, near my age, or older, and I thought, “Hang onto the experiences and love, you never know.” Few of us know, and those who do, well, welcome to the shittiest club in the universe.

Give me time, I will post about the food, the places, the people, my thoughts on poolside etiquette, shopping, packing, the return home and all it means for housekeeping and lawn care.

Happy holidays. Make the experiences, share your joy with those you love.

Oh, I booked a studio for 2021. Going back for more, so how bad could it have been?

The little truck tree may actually work out as Godzilla. I have the basic shape down, more lights, and it’s the perfect way to use Larry’s Christmas beard baubles. I need more tail, and some talons and teeth. Either I cut and move branches, of I cannibalize an old wreath. Maybe I can find an old tRex or raptor toy and take that apart. I ordered tiny Santa hats too! Contemplating a tiny tree skirt… or a tiny Tokyo?

I got my Secret Santa gift mailed off. I do like participating, but always feel imperfect. It is fun though, to see how others view my Reddit personality. Fingers crossed that she likes what I chose for her!

I went into the mall for lunch, and because if I am spending money on Lyft I may as well make use of my time. I needed coffee, and there’s always some at Burlington. A gyro and a kid sized Orange Julius later, I perused a few stores. Found a $7 unicorn popsocket for my phone. The salesclerk had scissors and helped me get it onto my phone. I looked at the opal bracelet in the Kay’s case again, but I know I will never even ask how much it is because I have several perfectly marvelous and expensive bracelets I already do not wear. Still, it is a pretty thing and a joy to view. On to Hot Topic, where I found THREE Avenger Funko Pops. That was the sale, three for $27. No Holiday Baby Groot, but they had the holiday Thanos, plus Taco Hulk and Gamer Korg. I passed on the Captain America Snowman. I was very pleased to buy more Stuff I Don’t Need But Like, so I participated in holiday consumerism. Thanos now stands with Godzilla. Tried the hot fudge sauce at the Burn Your Tongue tasting. Yummy, but far too hot for me to actually eat in any quantity.

I did vacuum a bit, and I got the new rope lights up and the cords arranged. Swapped out the metal stars out front for the holiday stars. Edging closer to taking down the autumn decor. Problem is, I have to empty the Christmas bin so I have a place to store them. I need to do more laundry, and then begin packing. Write down some addresses so I can send post cards, I bought stamps after all. Will those do in place of holiday cards? YES!

The weather turned gray and rainy, with freezing rain on and off. The inversion is in full force, which means I cannot breathe when I step outside.

The Amazon packages have been arriving apace, much earlier than anticipated. Nice. I have all my Secret Santa gifts, although I didn’t finish the painting. Like the rain, I am frozen. Now for wrapping, and handwritten notes, and packing it up for mailing. Then The Mailing.

Still I brought up the holiday pillows and throws, and put the two large wreaths on the porch. I brought up Larry’s tiny truck tree, fought with the screws in the battery box, got the old ones out, cleaned the corrosion, and put new ones in. It works, but it is fugly. The top is bent, not just the branches, but the inner core rod/wire. I will see if I can model it into a Godzilla tree, if not, it will go into the trash. I got in new LED rope lights, my old window rope has a big dead spot; so there’s another task. I new to get the new sheers up too. I need to swap the ceramic pumpkins for the Santa gnome. Just too dreary to go out today. If I do, I can grab the bell tote too.

I was checking out Kihei on google earth. There’s a natural market just two blocks from the resort, I can walk that. I need to pack my shopping bags. I do need a new chill bag, I think it was in the suitcases I gave away. There are also several places to eat. The Kihei Cafe is five blocks away, we shall see how that goes. Best to go to new places without the memories, perhaps.

I got bluetooth earbuds to go with my Kindle. I am pleased. I can listen to all the audible books. They were Larry’s, but we had similar tastes. I do need to read my graphic novels on the phone, my Kindle is not in color. I need a popsocket grip!

Jeremy called today. This is the 11th year anniversary of my brother Larry’s death. I had blanked the death, as I do, so it was a proper reminder. I am so glad he calls. He’s a kin keeper, like his dad.

The vacuum reproaches me still. Bah.

And now I have the Moody Blues in my head. Yesterday was massage day. Desi came over, as she also gets a massage and we go together, and we took the truck out. So much snow on top, and we could only get part of it off. Of course it came avalanching down the windshield, so much so she had to turn onto a side street so we could get the slabs off the windshield. Took off the end cap on the wiper, ugh, we’ll need to order a new one. The good thing was when we got home, she and I put the new windshield blanket on. That means no snow or ice on the glass or wipers as the truck sits. Poor thing is aging, there’s already a crack in the dash. I need to make sure the sunscreen is deployed all summer and never let it sit without. Need to get the bumper fixed too.

Good massage, although the therapist I had is not my favorite. She is very good with long muscles and my spine, and does excellent work on my glutes and hips and neck, but she is not as confident with my hands and feet. Next month I get the masseuse who does the good facial massage, so nice.

I finally thawed and cooked the pork and maple bacon sausages which Larry had stocked up on at Carl’s Supersaver. He loved him some processed meats. This pack has been sitting in my upstairs freezer for quite some time. Delicious, but not my thing. I am enjoying them with my corn muffins, but once finished, I probably will not buy more, ever. Sadness breakfast meats. What a world.

Secret Santa matching on Reddit has begun. I was matched with someone easy to shop for, and should be able to get a package together quickly. Looking forward to sending out wrapped gifts for a change! I hope to get a tiny painting done too.

Desi and I stopped at Micheals for her tree topper. I bought a cluster of hanging bells for the front door, rusted metal finish, which match my other outdoor bells. I may actually get a little decorating done this year after all. Ho ho meh.

Reviewing yesterday’s entry, whoa, that was dismal. A fair snapshot, true, but that’s not my daily mood. Nailed the routine pretty well though.

This morning I woke up in a better mood. Harry was on the bed, lying across my ribs, purring. He used to sleep on the bed full time, but now that the girls are here, not so much. He has trouble jumping so I got some pet stairs. As it turns out, Harry won’t use them, even though I have tried to teach him how. The young energetic cats love them, run right up and down!

I knew I had been dreaming, although this time the images and story slipped away. Usually I have full recall. This morning was all impressions, color, travel, joy. Maybe swans. If I try a trance state, I pull up old dreams, which I can do. They come in bunches. This set is backyards and gardens, a rambling house, and maybe a beach. I tried this morning to get the dream I’d been having back, but got flashbacks instead.

The vacuum cleaner is still in the living room, if I put googly eyes on it, I’d be getting reproachful looks. The laundry is in a basket, ready to come upstairs. I took the trash out and scooped the cat boxes. The feeder needs new batteries. I cleaned the microwave, it was in dire need. Gross. Spent far too much time playing games, lounging in bed, watching Sunday Morning.

Beautiful sunny day out, but cold. I should go move some snow, but my hands hurt like crazy today. I’m getting twinges from a cyst. Hate that.

Yesterday, I ordered a better trash can and liner bags for the downstairs cat box. The one I have is too small, I have trouble using the scoop to get the lumps in. The covered one in the laundry room is too large, I cannot lift a full bag. A waste of trash bags if I empty it as often as needed. I have one which is the right size, but it is not covered and the smell is intense immediately. Ah, online shopping. So relaxing. Next up, small rugs. These cats love to bunch up my rag rugs and push them around the kitchen. Trip hazards!

These are the hard days, the cold days, the dim days. Hibernation sings that low and slow lullabye, I want nothing more than to sleep. Awake as early as four, although I try not to be out of bed earlier than five. Start the coffee, feed the cats, make sure the thermostat is up. Dink around online. Delete emails. Circle around four or five sites a couple times. Make toast and have the second cup of coffee, take my pills. Wash the dishes. Dink around online some more. Shower and dress. Watch something on a subscription or the morning news.

Scoop the cat boxes, open the drapes. Take a stab at the kitchen. Hungry again, so have an Emergen-C drink and a tiny snack. It might be nine in the morning by now. Watch Let’s Make a Deal. If it is Bill Day, do the bills. If it is Trash Day, take out the trash. Maybe laundry. Update the shopping list. Shop online, which is a dangerous balm.

Look at the chores and the projects. I always need to vacuum. I need to clean the carpet. I need to dust, to scrub the tub, the floors. Put things in the basement, get stuff ready to go … away. Mend. Sew. Get the packages ready, the tool pouch. Go get the Christmas lights. Finish the muumuu, the skirt, the tunic. Sew the patches. Finish the coat. Paint. Bead. Repair my bracelet. The shadow boxes. Make muffins, make fudge. Cook something out of the pantry or freezer. Bake bread. Think about going outside, there’s always chores outside. Trim, weed, toss, repair. Gravel down the sprinkler gap.

I can’t. I just cannot. Sometimes I get some cleaning done, cleaning is easy, cleaning is indoors. Cleaning feels virtuous. Put away the toaster. Eat a little lunch, maybe a pouch of tuna. Bring in the mail, throw most of it away. Pile up the magazines. Sit in the front room, ask Alexa to play music, and look out the window.

Afternoon means I am sleepy, and cold. I want a hot bath, but if I do, I do back to bed at one or two. That’s not good. I sit on the bed and go online again, around and around. If I watch a movie, I fall asleep. I get up and walk around, fiddle with things around the house. Have a snack. Look out the window, reluctant to step outside in the cold. It hurts, the cold. Play my online games, or the ones on my phones. Usually I end up napping around three no matter what. Blogging happens in this danger zone, which os better than nothing.

Feed the cats about five. Toss out the coffee grounds from the morning, maybe wash the dishes. Fuss with something small. Look at all the projects again. Watch the news. Eat something. Sometimes I cook, sometimes I just have peanut butter, sometimes my yogurt and granola. If I have easy frozen food, that’s dinner. I go on streaks, if I have chicken strips, I eat chicken for a week. Right now it is turkey meatballs and veggies, and rice I cooked in a batch and and froze in single servings. Close the drapes. Walk around the house for a while deciding if I have things I want to do the next day. Make a list which I will neglect. Then I watch TV and fall asleep early. I ask Alexa to play music in the bedroom. Play with the cats. I cannot read, it doesn’t stick. No concentration for Audible books either; those were Larry’s books mostly anyway.

Middle of the night, I get up to pee. Sometimes I just ghost around the house, looking out the windows, thinking, remembering. Middle of the night is difficult. Back to bed, to dream. I dream a lot, vividly. Dreaming is interesting.

Rinse and repeat. This is why I try to go to the movies once a week. Why I enjoy going out for groceries with Desi, why I look forward to my monthly massage. Why I spend too much on trips. Before, I got stuff done because this was our home, and I wanted to keep it nice, I wanted Larry to be happy, I wanted us to be happy. On my own, I don’t always give a damn. I want a relatively clean home, which is laundry and trash and washed dishes. The bills are paid, the cats are fed and given their medicine. I eat and I take my medicine. I take care of business as it comes up. This is the totality of my life.

Oh, I know.

— Loki

This is the first post on my new blog. I was on blogspot, but that’s not a thing now. This is a thing for now.

They say I should have a goal for a blog if it is to be public and not just a journal. Exploring my new life and making a record of the journey, I guess. I do not want to teach or inform, I mostly want to be able to rant and rave, to think, and to share with those who might care. If random strangers arrive, that’s cool too. Feedback is appreciated or ignored.

It’s snowing. So there’s that.

I am Anti M, Aunt Margaret, Maggiemayday, and recently, MaggieMayhem as travel through my new life. Things to know? I was born and raised in the Navy, have been to all 50 states, I was in the Navy as Electronics Technician, I taught for a while, I love Burning Man, I make art, and live with three cats in a too large house. In 2018, I lost my husband of 31 years, I am a mess. Exploring my new world, and not always liking the journey.