MaggieMayhem

Well, I printed out the recipe for twice baked honeycakes. I dug out the muffin tins, and the mixing bowls. I put the wrapped butter and two eggs in the big bowl, and snapped on the silicone cover. Two days, no honeycakes.

What did I do? Burn my mouth on a steam pocket in a microwaved egg. Top gum and upper lip. Muddahfaddah. That hurts.

Ah, got the milk glass compotes down only to find I did indeed purchase the wrong lid. Took down the kitchen hearts and put up the handful of shamrock things. Swapped out the stars and fripperies on the front porch. Browsed metal yard decor on Amazon. Ordered Instacart, did the dish thing. I always do the dish thing.

Today was wash the pet blanket I use on top of the bed. I do not trust Lolo. Got the Loki decal on the closet door. In my maximalist decor, the blank spot bothered me. I got the food cabinet next to the pans and appliances cabinets organized. It has a weird tall thin door, and runs way back into the corner. I have new metal baskets which hold the loose stuff perfectly. Threw away a couple things. Apparently I need to bake, and more than honeycakes. Pie, cookies, fudge. Of course.

I scooped two cat boxes and got the bags into the bin outside. I really need to vacuum. I really hate vacuuming.

Took the bead fringes off the black vest I got on ebay. It’s for my gothy pins and patches. Denim, made to be worn open. The trim is rick-rack and fuzzy strips of animal print in red, black, and white. Very 80s. Can’t decide if it was handmade or a commercial design. Fugly AF. I love it.

Petted and played with the cats a lot. Had a cheese sandwich for supper, not even grilled, just cheese, mustard, and marmalade.

And that was pretty much the extent of two riveting days. Whoot. I did not get into any arguments online. Thus far.

WARNING: IF YOU ARE ANTI-VAXX, WE CANNOT HAVE A RATIONAL DISCUSSION. Sigh. Le Sigh. Facebook interactions undermining my feelings of competency, and my faith in humanity, yet again.

I will never give up Facebook, it is the best and easiest way to keep in touch with my far flung friends and family. The unfollow option has been in heavy rotation, with touches of unfriend and block now and then. What has gotten to me lately are a couple people who are against the vaccine because they had bad reactions to childhood immunizations. Okay, that happens. Don’t have shots. Get a note from your doctor. But no, I am not going to watch YouTube videos which support rejection of the vaccine. Yes, some of those people are doctors. No, that does not make their ideas valid, especially when the rest of the medical community comes out and says, uh no, it doesn’t work that way.

My brother had a reaction to penicillin. Am I railing against anti-biotics? No. Be careful in the future, yeah, sure. I had a couple ectopic pregnancies, so children were not for me. Am I going to tell someone else not to try? No, although I might stress the importance of early care. And so on. Why do the people who had reactions to vaccinations need to condemn all shots, and to condemn them for all people? Why make it into a government conspiracy?

I was in the military, trust me, the government makes mistakes, but it is in no way organized or intelligent enough to create a worldwide pandemic in order to sell a vaccine. Mind control? Got a cellphone and use popular apps? They already have you. In theory.

I wish I could convince people why vaccines work for most of us. Yes, some people should not have them, and yes, sometimes we don’t know who that is in advance. Yes, there’s much we do not know about Covid and the variations, but that doesn’t mean it is fake or a flu bug. No, vaccines do not protect everyone 100%, but a little sick is better than a lot dead. No, it does not alter your DNA and rewrite your genetic code. Remember that smallpox epidemic? No? BECAUSE WE GOT THE VACCINE AND WIPED IT OUT.

I just want to shake some people. I might love them, but find it very difficult to respect them. They probably feel the same way about me. I hate the feeling of inadequacy I get after a disagreement, even when I am secure in my knowledge. The leftovers of being gaslighted about my abilities, or lack thereof, when I was younger, no doubt.

A note to self: do not respond, do not reply. Just makes me feel crazy, and makes me dislike people. I do not like myself after arguing. I know this. Gah. Let’s see how long I can get by on FB without picking at topics which are best left alone.

Wow, over two weeks without an entry. I thought it was just a few days. Not much going on. Went shopping with Desi, got some nice carnations for my new vase. Found my misplaced rings, I had them on my chain. Getting dribs and drabs done, but I am sad and unsettled, restless. I don’t feel bad, and okay physically, but I feel like I don’t like something. My life? The weather? Me? Just at odds and ends with existence.

Someone left a bouquet on my front porch, and covered my front door with paper hearts on Valentine’s Day. I have no clue who arranged all that, but it was thoughtful and sweet, and much appreciated.

Troy, Stacey, and the twins visited. They’re in Utah because his mom passed away unexpectedly. She had cancer but was doing well, a blood clot in her heart took her. She was only 55. He’s in shock, poor kid, because he’d not seen her in quite a while. Between a long deployment, the ROM on return (Restriction of Movement), he hadn’t been to Utah in well over a year or maybe two. It was good to see them (distanced and masked), but the reason is awful.

That cat cave which got dragged under the bed? I dug it out, did some slicing and folding and stitching, and now Stella has a little plush throne. No one else uses it, but Lolo will knead it then walk off. Lolo doesn’t like the pet blanket; I have caught her dithered about on it as if she were considering a piddle, but then she moves on. I have new pillows which are machine washable, a second protector for the body pillow, and a new plaid cover. So far, so good.

Gemma has learned to play fetch from watching Stella chase thrown toys. Gemma is much better about bringing the toys to me, Stella drops them a few feet away. However, Stella crouches at the end of the bed or on the bench at the foot, and waits for me to throw something for Gemma. Stella pops up and snags it out of the air. She’d be lethal to birds is I let her out.

Loki’s purple sword arrived. I have done a bit with the hilt (yay washi tape), but the blade still needs a final touch. There was a bonus black blade included, so I painted it up for Purse Loki. Fantastic. I have a couple loose Lokis set aside for other yet to be determined projects. So exciting.

I got the hearts and roses up in the kitchen. Something feels off, not sure what I am missing. I do enjoy the touches of color, so pretty, but also so sad. it’s February. Larry and I would be getting on a plane this week or next, headed to somewhere warm with a jacuzzi in the room, rose petals and towel animals on the bed, and many fabulous drinks by the pool. Even when I do get to go, it’s nice, but sad. Always sad. It’s okay.

Not a whole lot going on here.

The girls have been spayed and chipped. Stella went full feral on Desi when she put her in the kennel, lots of yowling, scratching, and pee. It all went well though, they’re rambunctious as ever. They’re still a little sneezy. Gemma is very, very cuddly, has learned to play fetch, and drags things under the bed. I got them a plush cat cave, with a pillow in it. Gemma disassembled it and dragged both pieces under the bed.

I have had days when I do not feel well, and that’s scary. However, I take this as a good sign that I want to live. There were days last year when I did not care. I care. Now if I only cared enough to pick up my art or finish a few crafts. More cleaning. Exercise. Ah well. Some progress is better than none.

I have finished painting Amethyst Loki. I do need to put on his lavender chain mail side skirts. That’s simple enough. He is very good looking.

Nothing else exciting. Lolo peed on the bed twice in one day, two sets of sheets. Oh joy. So I put the pet blanket on top of my blankets. This morning, I was sitting here, fussing with my phone, and I could smell cat pee. Nope, not on the blanket or the pet bed. Oh, the spare pillow on the other side of the bed, and a bit on the body pillow. Missed the teddy bears, which is good, they’re not really washable. I washed the pillowcase and body pillow cover but tossed the bed pillow. It was one of the terrible shredded foam ones we got for free when we got the mattress. I ordered new pillows, a new cover for the body pillow, and a better protector for the bog pillow. I just typed pillow one too many times. Of course she’s curled up in her little bed looking all innocent. I wish I knew why she does that.

I have paid off my one remaining loan. No debt, other than the monthly credit card balances which I always pay off. I used the AmEx to pay the loan, yay, air miles which do not expire!!!

Last week’s entry could be today’s entry. Only the details change.

The cats have been to the vet, that’s always an adventure. Gemma needs medicine for an upper respiratory infection. It’s in dropper form, and she’s leery of me in the kitchen when I pick up a towel. However, she still cuddles and purrs, so we’re good.

Had to get a new shower wand, the old one was cracked and full of minerals. The new one is missing a gasket, so I had to order a packet of them. I am quite sure Larry has some in the garage. alrighty then.

I am painting a new Loki, this one is an Amethyst version. So far I am pleased. I don’t feel the creative tingle, but I am working through it. A variety of purple enamel paints, and color change versions, and some metallic lavenders are coming together nicely.

I have been watching shows downstairs in the family room. It is clean enough and tidy enough to be pleasant. Feels much lonelier down there, but that is something else to power through.

I made a nice little steak for lunch. While I have the noodle board off, I will make mac and cheese for supper, use up some of the milk. I tried a glass of wine, not into it. Figures.

Got a lovely thank you card from one of the ladies I sent porcelain figurines to. That was nice.

And that’s all the excitement around here. Whoot.

I’m getting the hang of this ride, perhaps. Two days of up will always be followed by a day or so of down. Now this isn’t a huge dip, but I am cold and hungry and restless. The nonsense on the news didn’t help. I have snacked far too much, things I shouldn’t even bring into the house, ice cream and caramel corn. I need to do up a package and send some stuff off to Jeremy and family. Remove some of the graze-ables.

I’ve been thinking about how I fill my days, frittering away the minutes, ticking away the hours in an offhand way. There’s what I always do, look after the cats, self-care, dishes, trash, tidy up this or that. Sweep. Once a week there’s mopping, laundry, or dink around in the yard. Futz around online on and off. Watch TV in the morning. Sometimes I watch the Star trek reruns on BBC, and make tea in the afternoon. Listen to music, and now and then, read. Reading is difficult, but I have a Kindle and books, and graphic novels on my phone. Hard on the eyes and my concentration is shot. I try to watch something on my subscription services daily. Sometimes that is in the morning, when I am most wakeful. I nap more than I should, but I like napping. I dream, I always dream. I enjoy The Dream.

There’s so much I could do. Take a walk springs to mind, but it’s winter, no sidewalks, and my lower back and hips are burning from going up and down the stairs. The dreaded High Pressure is rolling in, that means inversion and Bad Air Days. Those have a nasty effect on my lungs. I would walk more if I could walk where I could take breaks and sit. My suburban neighborhood has a dearth of such places. I’m terrified of going out and not being able to go home. The canes only help so much and I usually forget them anyway.

I haven’t touched the Wii, I don’t want to see Larry’s avatar. I know I am getting closer now that I am using the family room, but it will be a trauma day without doubt. I need to wrangle the Gazelle so I can get new batteries in it. With my sore hips, it is unappealing. I have some weights too, light ones. I could do these things. I even want to do these things. Working up to the things.

I could clean more, repair things, there’s always house stuff. I am unenthused, but I also don’t want to be the hoarder, or the mad cat lady in the house falling down around her ears. Daily chores help, and I add on bits and pieces of other To Do items. The big things… gah. I need a handyman, and of course that brings on the depression wham bam right now. So things like the dryer vent and the ceiling get neglected. Another thing to be sorted.

Art and craft, there’s so much. However, finding that creative spark has been a struggle. I do a little of this and that, and finish a project on occasion. There’s painting, collage sewing, mending, beading, the Loopy Loom, miniatures, even some leatherwork I can do. Glass painting. Gardening, in a way, but not in winter. Getting started doesn’t mean I get inspired or bring things to fruition. The ennui settles in and it can be hard to see the point. This is where one questions whether or not it’s depression. I know I get the seasonal stuff, and have a lightbox to help with that, but the light is by the table where the art stuff is. No art, no light. So simple. So close yet so far sort of things. Tress and forests. Grief, yes, a type of depression, and I’m entering complicated grief territory. I care, but I don’t. No confidence in my PCM, and going to therapy is … I have a history with that. Comes of having a psych degree and taking course to become a therapist, and some other stuff with psychologists/psychiatrists. I’m picky. The very thought annoys me. I got some herbal mood boosting gummies; I have little faith but it can’t hurt. I hope.

And so, here I am, tip tapping away. It fills a space. A cosmic To Do List, if you will.

Here is what I posted on Reddit in r/widowers, and did not feel like writing it all out again. A reflection on doing what I have not done in years, watch TV downstairs.

>>>

Our house has a fully finished basement, a normal feature in this area. That’s where our family room is, with a gas fireplace, the main TV, and the double recliner. A few years back I had surgery which made getting in and out of the tall bed difficult, and sleeping lying down nearly impossible. We replaced the couch with a double recliner. It came in a box and he assembled it in place. That’s where we’d watch our recorded shows, he often was on the road and would catch up when he got back. I’d invariably sleep through most of what he watched. He’d make dinner, carry it down on a tray and we’d eat down there. That’s where he worked on the solar lights, made candles, did his leatherwork. My beading stuff was down there too, and my exercise equipment.

After he died, I spent as little time as possible down there. I gave away his candle and leather crafting things. I watched TV upstairs in the bedroom, or on my laptop in the little sitting room. The waterline break meant I had to have repairs done, and even though I was using the basement guest room, I couldn’t use the family room. It was done months ago, I moved back into our bedroom, but I still avoided the family room. Before the flood, there were cobwebs descending from the ceiling. Now there are new rugs, I got rid of the giant bean bag chair, I thinned out the shot glass collection. I can feel his look of disapproval for not keeping everything.

Today I turned on the TV and watched two stupid movies. I got some figurines packed to ship out, and I have begun cleaning the cabinet with my UV glass collection. Two years of dust on that. I am melancholy, I kept looking at his side of the recliners, but I didn’t cry. I was just sad. Mellow sad. The waves of despair didn’t come in like a high tide, they’re still out there in the grief ocean, but today was a good day to paddle in the shallow waters.

<<<<

I have a small bin of ceramic and porcelain animal figurines we rescued from a neighbor yardsale. I am giving the sets away a few at at time, to internet strangers. I’d been dragging my feet about packing more up because they’re in the basement. Time to get it done. While I was down there, the dust on the UV glass got to me, I took pieces up and washed them. Still have a shelf to go, well, two if you count the top, and them clean the wood. It’s an old Japanese tea cabinet, open faced. Uranium glass feels really weird, slick and oily, so under dust it was repulsive to touch. So shiny and beautiful when it is clean.

The Spode is still up, but everything else is done. The outdoor decor made it to the patio. Sometimes my progress is literally a few steps at a time. Getting there, slowly.

In Japan, you cleaned your house before the new year. Supposedly a deep cleaning, like our Western spring cleaning. I do a modified version, as deep cleaning this entire house would take weeks and far more stamina than I can whistle up.

Today is laundry, including folding and putting away. I want to mend my gray Loki t-shirt and make a decision about my favorite falling apart flannel nightgown. I will put away some of the Christmas decor, mostly the bows and beads and fripperies which go in that tote, some of the silk flower things which go in the big tote. Maybe not all the cubby flowers, as the replacements for those are in the shed. I will see. Also, bills and finances get a lookover. If it can be paid, it shall. Because I am washing rugs, I should mop the kitchen and sweep the stairs.

Tomorrow is wash my hair, empty all the trash, refresh every litter box, toss the Christmas bouquet and put away the holiday vase. Vacuuming is the plan, but I know how I am about that. Dust something. Tidy the kitchen, front room, bathroom, and bedroom. Downstairs can suck it if need be. Put the big outdoor bells tote back in the shed, which makes me think I might grab the rose tote for the kitchen while I am out there. We shall see. Hang the small Loki print.

Stuff I want to do, but probably won’t includes scrub the tub and all the dusting. Tidy up the art studio table (aka the kitchen table). Decide if the golden porthos plant is dead enough to toss out. Put a clean tablecloth on the sewing machine table where the cat autofeeder resides. Clean the plastic cover.

The Spode gets put away much later. I think I will get the blue teapots and such out for winter. I need to get thin wood cut to fit the baker’s rack shelves, or long skinny trays.

If all goes well, I will bake either the turkey breast or the tiny ham on New Years Day. Yum. Stuffing and yams for sure! Maybe bake a mince pie. Seems reasonable to start new traditions given I won’t be rolling around with Larry.

Desi took me to the grocery store. I needed cat food immediately and forgot to tell Amazon I needed it before my Amazon Day. Of course I picked up bread, milk, juice, and flowers. And a case of chicken broth, they’re on sale. That’s the best Larry memorial, enough canned goods to last two years.

Got home, stashed the food and began re-arranging the flowers. Anything wilted or dry or droopy get trashed, but some flowers will hang in there for a couple weeks. I sorted the old, cut the fresh. I had bought one bouquet too many, green daisies as filler, and they ended up in their own vase in the kitchen. Nice. However, right afterward, the backs of my hands began to itch, turned red, and started swelling. Something in the flowers aggravated the snot out of my skin. I started itching all over, but that might have been my imagination. I took the flowers out of the bedroom, took a benadryl, and drank a lot of fluids. Slept the afternoon away.

The Solstice slump turned into a couple Very Bad Days over Christmas and the day after. In a huge slump, emotions on edge, and I knew it. Could not break it in the usual ways. Just rolled with it, snacked, slept, hot showers. Oh, I am okay, but there’s a rough stretch of road between okay and fine. Ugh.

A delivery of a pound of Lindt truffles helped immensely.

Usually, the holiday decor stays up until near my birthday in January. Not this year. I have brought up the tote for the throw pillows and soft things, they go first. Then I will start on the kitchen bows and cubbies. Then the silk flowers. The outdoor hanging stars never made it out of their bin on the patio. The outdoor flowers stay out the longest, but perhaps not this year. This does mean I need to get the February roses and hearts down. Another way to be depressed, between our anniversary and Valentine’s Day, but screw it, they’re pretty and I like them.