MaggieMayhem

For some unknown reason, I feel incredibly down today. Winter Solstice, I mean to clean a bit, cook a bit, make neighbor gifts, and perhaps light a small fire outside. So far I cleaned in the bathroom, although I think some vacuuming and dusting is in order. Sweep out the old. Tomorrow is Trash Day, so empty every trash can in the house and set the bins out. I thawed chicken to cook for supper. I have assembled everything for the gifts, that will only take a few minutes. Wrap the two gifts which arrived today. Water the plants.

One of the bulbs in my bedroom light fixture is blinking, so I need to go downstairs and find the replacement. I think I have one. They’re an odd shorty CF. Not uncommon, but not something where I could toss in a different bulb for a bit. My tiny bedside lamp is insufficient for the task, so I have a drape open. Oh my, natural light. Fun times.

I did fold the laundry, I did wrap the other presents. Scooped the catboxes, but that’s daily. Finished a Kindle book, and read some more in the hardback I am working on. Watched some recorded shows. Installed the new smoke alarm/CO detector.

What I don’t understand is this horrible weepy feeling. My chest feels soupy again, but my oxygen is fine. I am not as exhausted or in as much achey pain as usual, I just feel that all is wrong with the world and I am the puzzle piece from another box. I just want to cry without a specific reason. Oh, I could think of many reasons, but nothing new. This will pass, of course, but it is unpleasant in the extreme.

Maybe I can see the Star tonight. That would be a bite of bliss.

Sometimes I feel okay. I didn’t do a lot today, watched the finale of the Mandalorian to dodge spoilers, checked my financials which I do time to time. Dishes. Tended the floral arrangements. Refreshed Loki’s candle. Dressed up the Loose Loki with the tiny sweater out of the flowers. Disassembled a flocked cardinal for the tiny Santa hat. Read on both my Kindle and the hardback I had set aside. Tidied, scooped a cat box. Brought up chicken and such to thaw. Ate fudge. Watched a recording on my DVR online, I pay for cable, I should watch the shows. I had planned on wrapping gifts, I have a few to do. Didn’t do it. Have laundry to fold, did not fold it.

Sat in the front room and asked Alexa to play my likes. Dead Can Dance came on, so I asked Alexa to play belly dance music. It is very soothing. I felt very, very calm, centered. I am in my nest, my grotto, my place. I felt more myself than I have for a long while. I thought about all I could do, if I chose. A supreme being of a microcosm. The crone goddess of this house, my grotto, my nest, my sacred place.

It sure is dusty in here.

I was feeling alright this morning, even a bit motivated. I’d had interesting dreams, including being held by strong warm arms, whispered to by a low lovely voice. Odd dreams because I dreamt I was sleeping, so I couldn’t see or hear the other person. Later, I hit the dip, the self-doubt, the inkling that even the simplest plans for next week will fall through. I could ask, I should ask, but I would rather wait and see if my optimism is rewarded. I’m just skeptical enough to fear it will not. Ah, communication and expectations, the twins which are the basis for every rom-com, sit-com, and tragedy.

I packed up Larry’s Santa suit to send to Jeremy. It is a good thing, and I am glad to do it, but it is like shipping off a piece of my heart. Two large priority boxes, plush is bulky.

Ah hell, I can’t even.

Chipping away at the holiday decor gives me a lot of time to think. Perhaps too much. I have the kitchen beads and bows up above the cabinets, and the silk flowers in place. The living room silks look nice, and while I have the stockings out, I didn’t dig for the heavy holders. There’s a ton of stuff like nutcrackers and stuffed animals and gewgaws and trinkets in the teabox. In the kitchen here is a high shelf which has vases and pitchers, there’s a bag of specific sprigs and stems for those. Sparkly sprigs are all still sitting in their bag on the table. I might not bother. Anything not already displayed might go right back in the bin. The Why Bother is strong this season.

While Why Bother is not universal to all widows and widowers, it certainly is a hot topic of discussion on the subReddit. We have lost our other half, our reason for being. Who we were is no longer who we are. Sure, many people say you are more than half a couple, but those people are not usually the ones who have lost a partner. Yes, those with more friends and outside connections tend to fare better than the insular types. That said, death often leaves a widow adrift, as what is lost is not just love and companionship, but a certain level of purpose, a daily routine built for the consideration and comfort of a unit, and all the potential futures. It is a loss of identity.

For me, part of the identity was doing it up for the holidays. I love trees, I have three in boxes in the shed, and enough ornaments for four. Beautiful blown glass, vintage pieces from mom, Hallmark figures, tiny teapots, rocking horses, valuable Swarovski collector pieces, robots and rocketships. My trees were amazing. This year, I put the little kitchen tabletop tree in the front room. I did have a topper handy, but otherwise it’s a few fake cardinals and a bow. Not even all the tiny red bows it usually has, just a bow off a past present. I just don’t care, but I care that I don’t care.

Why Bother. To an external listener, this sounds alarming. It is a sure sign of depression and “call me anytime, talk to me, we care”. Yeah, I know who cares. Actions and words thing. I understand. However, for a lot of widowers, the Why Bother is simply the underlying thread of the new life. It is not a call to action for the most part.

So, I try to meditate almost every night. I have a Loki altar and the ritual of lighting a candle, telling the beads, having the chat and the shot is my form of meditation. The beads are summing up the day, at the first pass. Creativity, cunning, body health, secrecy, rage, fearlessness, courage, justice, nurture, joy, and the end piece is clarity. The second and third pass look deeper. I have been looking deep into Why Bother.

Here’s the thing, I do not believe in an Afterlife. This life is it. Sure, there may be some residue from strong personalities, but that’s more like an electrical discharge than anything sentient. No family reunions, no eternal rest or torment, no past or future lives. One and done. This life is finite, so I feel like I should not even consider stepping out early, not unless I cannot care for myself or am in severe physical pain. I am stubborn, I am going to fucking do this.

One Why is I still want to travel, to see new things, to listen to tales and tell them, to eat wonderful food. So many museums, so little time. I just fear my ability to travel solo is so very limited.

My Why includes my obligations. Keep a roof over my head, pay my bills, keep up the yard. Stay out of a nursing home. Care for my cats. They won’t be loved by anyone else, I am obliged to outlive them. Do not cause pain for loved ones who make an effort for me. Keep the memories, curate the stuff. That all stops with me for the most part, so it behooves me to get certain things into the right hands. I tried with mom’s stuff, it’s thankless and in the long run, futile. My estate sale shall be legendary. People will post the cool things they got in groups on Facebook.

Last of all is my Art. While I am uncertain what I will do with all my art, I have so many supplies, I feel obligated to try and work through as much as possible. That said, I just ordered a new loose Loki action figure to make into a Christmas Loki. The details are nebulous in my mind, but he shall be glorious.

Ant that is sufficient. Not the original plan by all means, but I am making do with what I got.

Ah. Doing the things. The rugs went down yesterday, along with a good deal of cleaning of floors and cabinet fronts. And laundry. Ordered holiday fridge door covers and a festive bowtie clip for Lucky Barry.

Today I humped the step-stool downstairs and began the Great Shift. There’s Spode teapots and a cookie jar, and ornaments, and teacups and candle holders for the baking rack, all up high on the shelves in the laundry room. I left the plates, bowls, and mugs in their boxes on the shelf though. The mugs make me far too sad; I used to make hot cocoa with whipped cream in them for when Larry was working in the yard. We’d take little breaks out back by the firepit. All the Spode is the Christmas tree pattern, and most of it came from clearance sales at Dillard’s, and a few from Macy’s. This meant Larry and I would be out shopping together, something we did a lot. The Spode carries a lot of memories. The Christmas breakfast in bed, waffles and strawberries. We never did get to use the bowls, they were the latest acquisition from when we used to go out to Layton for our massages near the mall.

I also got the tote with the holiday throws and decorative cushions up the stairs, and swapped out the front room. I brought up the kitchen bows and beads tote, put the gold bow on the front door. The rest of the kitchen can be done tomorrow. This leaves five distinct chores: the tree in the shed, the front room silk flowers, the bells and ornaments under the eaves, lights in the front window because I cannot do roof lights, and then cards. Maybe neighbor gifts. I have some lights for the window, but not THE lights. This bothers me.

Having a bad day, it’s been a bit down hill for the past week or so anyway. I want to do all this, but the “why bother” is coming on strong. My nest must be cozy, I love my stuff. I think Larry liked it, but he may have been indifferent too; perhaps he liked that I liked it so much. I know he was proud of his roof lights. I set out the pillows which have joy and merry and happy on them. I am not joyous or merry nor happy. I don’t know exactly what I am. I am not suicidal or end it all, but I spend too much time in bed, too much time picking away at nothing. It’s a weird mix of getting on with it and not caring but enjoying the small things. That may be the problem, it is all so small when it is not shared. My world has collapsed in on itself and some days it feels like I’m just surviving in an air pocket. Then again, some days are okay. Nothing dire, just nothing wonderful.

I gave an internet stranger in my discord cadre a gift of money to buy shoes. She did, good ones for cold weather yet light enough for work. I’m glad I could help, life is miserable with bad footwear.

Seems like I get a few things done, and there is more to do. More of the same. I did get the poinsettias in place, got down the bell tote, put away the autumn silk flower tote, tidied the patio. Put up the white lace noren. Peacocks are the main design, I am not sure how they became the Christmas curtains. Cannot find the lights, but I have ideas. There’s so much to do, and I know I don’t need to actually do any of it, but I also know I will feel fussy and dissatisfied if I do not.

In other news, the kittens are wonderful. They’re stinkers, but they’re kittens, to be expected. Lucy can be aggressive with them, but she can also be mom-like. Lolo wants to play with them, mostly. I am concerned as there are sneezes, and the occasional cough.

I still have a cough and fatigue. Meh. The stupid shopper brought the wrong cough syrup, and the wrong Tylenol, but Desi took care of that for me. I like Instacart, but Rana the shopper has issues. Careless, stoned, or stupid. Frustrating, because it’s a service I need, and for the most part I am pleased with delivery. Rana is stealing my confidence.

I have not been able to get a Covid test. They’re all drive up or wait in your car. Ridiculous. That’s an underserved segment of the population right there, and I’m one. I still feel like crap, although better today than yesterday. I miss Larry more than ever; I really need him. Being sick when alone is terrifying.

I swapped out the autumn metal wall decor and put up the winter stars on the front of the house. Found a good place to store the metal flowers, in the wicker table/chest with the chairs by the back door. Got the Santa Gnome out of the shed, and whacked off the stem of the ceramic jack o lanterns while putting them back in. I can glue that back when it warms up. Got the coat closet in the front room sorted, that’s where all the stars and banners live.

Next step is to suck up the loose leaves and set out the silk poinsettia bushes. Some are in the shed, the two new ones in the basement. Then I have to get into the loft in the shed, pull the tote with the bells and star for under the eaves. See if I can find the lights I use in the window indoors, I think I know where they are at. Put away the Halloween lights. Get down the little tree. It has a heavy base, so that’s fun wrangling the box. I have two other trees out there, but they haven’t been up in years.

For indoors, I need to get the Christmas bins out of the basement hall, and swap the kitchen and front room silk flowers and garlands out. Get the holiday tablecloths in place, put away the pumpkin and gourds on the baker’s rack, set out the Spode. Put out the Christmas rugs and tea towels and oven mitts. It’s a long process. I don’t go all out anymore, but I do like my kitchen done up in bows and beads.

I still don’t know if I will get the Spode mugs out this year, or the plates and bowls. Seems a bit much for just me, and they still make me sad.

Ugh, I have felt like crud the last two days. I may really have Covid. If not, I have a lingering cold and my asthma is acting up. Yuck.

I decided to order from Instacart so I would have something for Turkey Day. Of course Smith’s was out of a lot of stuff. The shopper was doing okay, sending me the replacement notices, and delivery was set for 2:30. They finished up, and the app said 1:55. Nice. But then… their little icon never moved. Had Rana gotten into a wreck? I only live seven blocks away, maybe eight. Tick tock. Lots of chilled and frozen items. Tick tock. Finally, at 2:49, some guy puts my groceries on the back porch, right in front of the door so I can barely open it. The bags are tied tightly, which I hate, because I have to tear them and toss them instead of use them as litter liners. My dinner rolls are smushed. The crispy green beans are not the ones I chose, and there’s was no replacement noted. The frozen stuff is not. The pie is SITTING ON ITS SIDE! It’s the big pie too, not listed as a replacement, so I am out $8 (asked for $5 pie, got a $13 one). I was still a softie and didn’t cancel the tip, but I did report it.

Pie doesn’t even taste good. I think I will just toss it.

That trip to the vet? yeah, I caught either a cold or a mild case of Covid. Three of the other patrons were wearing their masks under their noses, and one removed his entirely when he sat down. Stupid “Make America Great” mask. Idiot. No fever, but a lot of coughing, soupy lungs, and fatigue. I am still exhausted, but improved. A bit terrifying. I cancelled my annual physical as I do not have a feasible route to testing.

The kittens are still adorable, and all the cats mostly get along. Stella wants Lucy to be her mama, but Lucy is firmly childfree.

LOL, the sucker drama. I received a new blower in just a couple days. Nice, except it was the blower only model. I tried calling again, but the lines are far too busy. I did an email/live chat combo. I will eventually by receiving the correct new unit, and was able to gift the blower to someone who can really use it. Actually, I traded it for a large chocolate milkshake from Jake’s Over the Top. I can use the big cup to insulate the tall sprinkler by the edge of the patio.

There are far fewer leaves now that Javier’s trees are gone, and mine is a tad smaller. So I raked the upper back yard into piles, and scooped some into the bin. I dumped two bins worth on the compost pile and realized it was not going to work very well at all. I decided to go out on a limb, and got out Larry’s Toro mulcher. The bag is iffy in spots, but okay, and there’s a very long extension cord. The obstacles are the size and weight of it, I have to crook my elbows up to use it. I am about five inches shorter than whoever it was designed for. My hand and grip strength is fairly weak, and the tendonitis doesn’t help. Still, I got three piles of leaves crunched up. I put some of the mulch around the broken Japanese maple, and some around the base of the big maple. That’s about a quarter of the yard, better than none. I can do more later if the rain holds off. I am so proud of me!

Monday we took the kittens to the vet. Did I mention I have new kittens? Sisters from Idaho barn cats. Two cuties, I named them Gemma and Stella. Idaho is the Gem State, and the state gemstone is Star Garnet. They already are settling in. Lolo plays with them, and Lucy is aloof and stalkery. It will all work out.

Tuesday we had snow. Not too much, and none of it stuck to the pavement. I think it was Tuesday, I lose track Wednesday I was tired, yesterday I was sick, and I do not feel well today. Lots of coughing, heavy chest and snuffles. I usually have body aches, but I had more. Fingers crossed. Some of the patrons at Millcreek vet were wearing their masks under their noses, the only place I have been in the last week. Last two weeks, add in Massage Envy, but everyone was following procedures there.

My leaf sucker quit. I was sucking leaves on Tuesday, before the main snow, and sucked up some of the long dry decorative grass. I wear ear protection, so by the time I heard the whine of the motor, it was done. It no longer sucks, which sucks. I called Black and Decker after I called Home Depot, and the nice man is sending me a whole new unit. Eventually. This means I can replace the crappy bag, and will have a spare battery, and a sucker which sucks which does not suck at all.