Pride and PoleDancing

My friends from Salt Lake came to Ogden for our little local pride celebration. They brought along the adorable dog in a rainbow tutu, and their remarkably calm bunny. We looked at all the booths, checked out the art, saw old friends, and posed a lot with the dog. I used my wheelchair just in case, which meant I had to take off my nice rings and put them in my purse so I could wear my green crocheted wheelchair gloves. I looked at art, and really wanted a painting with robots and coffee cups, but didn’t have a clue where I could fit it in on the walls.

We had a nice brunch with mimosas at Warren’s Craftburger. They have a nice patio out back. I was boring and had the regular burger, but it’s still quite nice. I was naughty and ate fries. Loki did a tabletop pole dance.

Everyone says try CBD oil for my arthritis and depression. Beehive Buds had a booth, and they sell a local product of good quality. I got a bottle unflavored oil, as the mint wasn’t to my taste. It’s labeled pet, but that’s the same as for humans. A mild formulation. A little heart shaped tin of CBD balm was included. This stuff is not inexpensive. I have been using a dropperful in the morning, sublingual, swallowing the last bit. The hempy aftertaste is unpleasant. Washes down with coffee. I skipped yesterday because I had a dentist appointment. So. It might help the arthritis, maybe. Perhaps. However, I get a horrible headache which persists through the morning not long after it settles into my system. My tummy is undecided whether it is queasy or burny. Thus far I am underwhelmed, inclined to say this is not working. I will give it a try through the week, but yeah, nope. Figures.

Lost Week

I was trying to sum up last week, and came up with a lot of nothing. I did the usual stuff, the choredoms, but not much else. Noelle came on Tuesday to do the gardening, and that was awesome as usual. Julio did not mow the yard, and the front lawn began looking rather meadow-y. Looks like someone mowed out front, but the money envelope has not been touched. Huh. Made egg salad sandwiches and limeade, so that was nice. Folded some laundry, but which day, I can’t say. I got some cute windspinners shaped like hot air balloons, and glued them together. Maybe they’ll hold up for more than a year, maybe not.

Ginger, the neighbor dog, has been out without her collar. She was in the back and went to her own yard when I walked her over, she’s a good girl who obeys me, and I latched the gate better. She is a hazard though, she attacks other dogs and mail carriers. One of the adult sons lets her out but then goes back inside. Poor old girl is coughing, like she is ill or has heart trouble. Just more sadness in the mess next door.

I have painted a bit, working with my new firefly glazes. So much sparkle. I did finish a jawbone (resin) in purple with a blue violet overglaze. Got a burner painting done, and paint down on several projects. Just too warm in the kitchen if I don’t catch a few hours in the morning.

Desi and I went for our massages on Friday. My favorite therapist has moved on to other things, and I do not care for the new lady. She digs too hard and hurts me, even though I explain what not to do, and then during the treatment I keep asking her to ease up. Her hands are rough, like she has hangnails or ragged fingernails. When we booked for October, I got someone else. Desi and I were doing couples room, so she heard me and is concerned that I am getting a bad experience. She is going to play the heavy for me and call and get someone else for the next two months.

Oh, there is a good thing… Alligator Loki arrived. The paint job is acceptable, the eyes are good, but you know I will be upgrading his colors soon. He’s just a bit too dark, need lowlights and highlights, and a creamy dreamy belly.

Choredom and Progress

Sometimes I just get fed up with the house and myself. This is when the urge to Do The Boring Things kicks in.

Honestly, I don’t see the dirt and clutter, and I understand hoarding to a point. While I don’t like trash and food lying around, I know how it happens. You’re depressed, you’re comfortable sitting down, and tossing that cup and napkin means getting up. If you get up, you have to walk through the mess. The trash can is full and you don’t want to take it outside, and when is trash day anyway? So to toss one thing, you have to empty the larger bin, and find the trash bags. To find the trash bags, stuff must be moved, and there’s nowhere to move anything. If by chance you find the bags, there’s three boxes of them and you’re ashamed you’re wasting money. Money means stress, so you just sit down again.

I am not to that point, and never plan to be. I really have an aversion to sitting with dirty dishes and trash. But I get it. I don’t scrub my tub because it hurts my back, and the side of the tub presses against my hernia. Cleaning services don’t want to take small jobs, I had a friend with a service do the small job, but she is not longer cleaning. So I have a grimy tub which I spot clean when I get sick of it.

My door frames and window sills get grimy up top where I cannot look. The white paint is not fresh and bright. My fading vision enables me into not “seeing” it. I get why some houses become shabby.

I did make progress this weekend. I was doing something at my kitchen table, and looked up at the curtains. There were strands of dust. I moved the cat food bins, and some art stuff, and climbed up. Took the valence and the sheers down, so grody. The cat stained glass piece came down and got a bath, the curtains got a wash, and the window frame wiped down. I did not put the heavy valence back up, it is so 80s, so heavy.

While I was up there, I took down the small plate and stenciled “Nuts 2 U” on it to match the Fuck Pineapple. I had glued together the smashed Belleek saucer with gold 3D paint, and hung it up too. While I was up there, I set and wound the Japanese clock. A 30 day clock, with date and day, tick tock, and loud chimes. It has not been touched for five? seven? years or more. About time, eh?

I didn’t do much outdoors, too hot. In fact, all Sunday, I didn’t even change out of my light nightgown. I still did dishes, painted a bit, tidied, swept, and did laundry. Finished the flat fossil rock paintings. Filled the coffee canister. Refilled the paper towel and the toilet paper rolls. Brought up some pork chops to thaw. Hung up a fish banner, and put away the Americana windsocks. I just had no desire to put on clothing. Early this morning, I climbed up and changed the filter in the swamp cooler down shaft. That’s a “Larry job”, which is an extra step of Be Sad for a few moments, wear that like a scarf, then set it down and move forward. With the two step stepstool and the palm drill, I can do it, but it is a lot of up and down. This is why I know my hall door frames are a mess, I was up close with the hall light on. But it is done, and the airflow is so much nicer.

Still too much sitting, but my hernia and back are complaining about the small amount I did do. Progress happened, I can see that clearly enough. Day at a time, day at a time.

Curtains in the wash!
Tick tock.

Dating Myself at the Ghost Mall

Newgate Mall is hanging on by a thread. Declining with the Fall of Malls anyway, Covid has not been kind to Newgate. So many shuttered stores, the kiosks empty, and odd little rugged individual shops which don’t stand a chance. The anchor store are Dillard’s and Burlington, and the Cinemark.

Now that I am vaccinated and things are a bit more open, I try to see a movie in the theater once a week. I call a Lyft, and have learned to give myself extra time, because the drivers have not returned to work. Last week the big draw was Black Widow, worthy of a trip to the mall to see it on the big screen. Good movie. Like Charlie’s Angels but the Angels are kicking Charlie’s ass. Massive movie, and nicely done.

I always bring a Loki or two to the show, nothing like a Purse Loki as a date. They never want overpriced snacks, and they don’t talk during the show. I wore my Variant T-shirt, and carried my new TVA bag. As usual, I really needed to pee halfway through, but if you go by yourself, you have to take all your stuff and that sucks. I sat and suffered for art. I probably could have left the Lokis in the seat, as there was one guy back two rows, and a group of four in the back. Doubt they would be interested in abducting a couple Princes of Asgard, even pocket sized ones.

Exiting the theater, you walk out into the food court. Bob’s Burgers closed long ago, Orange Julius closed a little while back, and the pizza slice place has never taken off. this time the Chinese place was not open. I was surprised, it always had done alright. Greek Garden was busy. Even on a weekday afternoon, it sad. I meandered down to Hot Topic. They had signs up for Loki merch, but not a single item in the store. Weird. It felt off too, the familiar faces behind the counter gone. The FunkoPop shelves were a bit thin. Makes me wonder if the franchise is failing in that location.

I was hungry, and went into the Quilted Bear, the venerable craft and kitsch mall within a mall. In the back is Mama’s Grilled Cheeser, the brick and mortar spin off from a food truck. They’re hanging in , I guess. I had a nice mushroom and Swiss grilled cheese, and a bottled ice tea. The desserts looked tempting, but that much rich food disagrees with my now sliced and diced internal organs.

I called Lyft, and it was just cool enough I could sit under the tree in the grassy patch. Took a good 15 minutes, which is a long wait when all the benches have been removed. A Covid thing, I guess. I watched three young crows in the parking lot, they’d found a tiny grass island with a little tree, and something which interested them to no end. I love crows, I love corvids. Earlier in the week, Noelle was pulling weeds and I was sitting nearby and a flock of magpies few over, sat in the trees a few houses down, they flew back the same direction. Not just a couple, not just a few, several dozen at least. I have never seen that many all at once. It felt magical.

I got home, plopped in bed for a nap, and that was that for the day.

So Sleepy July, Dragonflies and Lips, and a Tesseract

Maybe the heat is making me sleepy, perhaps it is boredom, or maybe The Sad. The Sad is hitting hard this time around. I went into the basement and sat on the double recliner, and just sobbed. Everything I looked at was a reminder, everything. The few things which have changed are reminders of repairs done without Larry’s touch. I look out into the backyard and wish he could see how nicely I have been trying to keep it, and knowing there’s a good bit which is undone and will never change. I looked out this morning, and there’s a black and white dragonfly! Earlier, there had been at least six magpies in the yard, all chatter and flash.

If I sleep, I escape The Sad. I have been having interesting dreams, with extensive traveling sequences. I am seeking and searching, or visiting, or going places. My dream memory is generally better than my actual memory, but for some reason, I can’t detail these dreams. That’s alright.

I am staying up on basic housework fairly well. Dishes, trash, tidy, cat boxes, laundry, bills, all under control. Floor and vacuuming and dusting, not so much, but I hit what I can when I can. In the heat, it’s unappealing. Tub? Draw the curtain and don’t look. Workroom carpet? Prune it to the void at the end of time, aaand done.

I spent a lot on barrettes. Some I like, some are meh. France Luxe is best. I did get a nice LIPS one from Camille. I just spent a whole lot on Loki merch and Funko Pops. I even found a rechargeable Tesseract nightlight. I am such a child. But then again, why not?

Dragonflies are lucky, yes?
Let the be Lips!

Summer Fog

The weirdness next door was Rowena waiting for a police escort for her to pick up more of her things, but the cops had other things to do. It’s all so sad.

The flag and streamers are out for the Fourth. This is not a holiday I care about anymore, not that it was before. When I was in the Navy, it meant cookouts with buddies, or working security during “Friendship days”. Now and then people would take me to a fireworks show. Larry and I did fireworks now and then, or went for a ride, but once he was trucking, he was usually on the road. It doesn’t even feel like a holiday to me now, just another day with a noisy night.

July marks my restless summer, when it is difficult to be outdoors, when the yellowjackets get aggressive. It also marks my guilt trip period, when Larry was showing vague signs of illness, but nothing which rose to the level of “get the hell to the doctor”. Entirely normal to put the blame on myself for missing the signals, and not something you can rationalize away. I just have to feel the feelings. A dark room and music and tea help. Two months of suck for the most part. I do return to Seattle in August, to see the glass museum.

Space Force amuses me.

Summer days, Loki, and Weird Doings Next Door. And Flowers, Always.

I cannot believe I let over a month slide by. What have I been up to? Finished a painting, sold a painting, went to Seattle, and have been piddling the days away because it has been too damn hot to do a darn thing. I will cover the paintings and the trip next entry.

I have been watching the Loki series on Disney Plus. This is the very reason I got the subscription in the first place, Loki. Tom Hiddleston’s interpretation of Loki is fantastic, and I swoon a lot. I am all in, spending far too much on Marvel merchandise, embracing the TVA logo. T-shirts, Funk Pops, a bag, a windbreaker, I want it all. Anchor Hocking mugs from eBay, as they are the ones in the TVA cafeteria. France Luxe triangle barrettes as they resemble the hourglass symbol. Stickers and enamel pins from Etsy before the Mouse cracks down. A frivolity, a frippery, and I love it.

Ah, next door. I have been setting out cat food and fresh water, and someone eats it. Today I went out, and Bruce Lee the Creamsicle cat, came meowing. He was hungry, so I filled the dish, and Sissy came over the fence too. In the front room, I looked out the window and noticed Rowena in the old car parked across the street in the shade. There a strange vehicle in front of my place, and an old primer yellow pickup in her drive. Two people in lawn chairs under her tree, keeping her away from the house. Seems to be a waiting game just now. Looks like Glenn took the new Buick SUV and gave her the old sedan. I know it has problems, and I know she can’t afford to get it fixed. Wonder what this is all about? I did notice the dog Ginger was in the back yard for a bot while Glenn was working, something Rowena was concerned about. Poor dog is elderly and cannot hold it for hours anymore. Anyway, I am not going to walk over and talk to her, I do NOT want to be drawn in anymore than I am right now.

Ah, flowers.

Sweet Blooms and Raw Anger

My yard is going wild, the wedding veil bushes are fantastic, and the peonies and columbines and bachelor buttons are in bloom. Fantastic. Noelle is switching to every other week, and the neighbor kid will mow the front. I try to weed, but the weather has been windy, or cold, or stormy like the hail today. I may lose some tender young things.

So, last week there was some sort of commotion next door. An ambulance, and cops out the wazoo for hours. I noticed the one vehicle was gone later, the wife’s. She has not returned. She finally called me yesterday. Apparently she cannot go home, she has been accused of domestic abuse, trying to run him over. She says is was an accident, the he wasn’t all the way out of the car and she was leaving fast because he told her to get out. Hit him with the door. She told me all sorts of terrible things, about sexual abuse and infidelity and verbal abuse. Things I do not want in my head. There’s so much, it’s awful. He wants a divorce, threatens to take everything, to get a younger, healthy woman, and to leave her homeless and broke. He plans on moving out of the US, maybe to Mexico, and will sell the house. She thinks he planned all this, made the incident happen so he could dump her, and on her birthday at that. Her sons are taking their father’s side. Here’s the thing, she is 68 and in ill health, he is 75, overweight, and has already had one heart attack. He can’t be looking at more than 10 years of life.

I know she has a temper, and can distort the truth, and has a mean streak. That’s a tiny part of her personality, we get along fine. She rescues cats, and has down on their luck friends do yard work. I have no illusions that she may be exaggerating, but it’s insane. She will have to go to court for the domestic abuse charges, has limited income, and will be in deep trouble if she cannot go home. He told her to come get her clothes and medicines, but I warned her to get permission and an escort from the cops. Sounds like he’s trying to get her to break the no contact order. I told her to call the women’s shelter for counseling and advice.

This makes me so angry. They have been married for decades, and seemed outwardly happy. Not so, there’s been fighting and name calling and cheating and abusive behavior for a very long time. But the church preaches forgiveness, so they stuck it out. What a waste of time and energy. Maybe she thought she was being a good wife. Maybe he thought he was the provider so he made the rules. I don’t know. I am simply furious that they have been given many good things, yet clung to the bad. I lost Larry early, and they are still alive and horrible. Could Larry and I have hit a rough patch? Sure, I think that’s possible, we had an issue which could have led to trouble, but I doubt he would ever be as cruel as what I have just been told about. That’s what gets me, they have a big house with three bedrooms, if they were going to split, why not just have a room each, and figure the rest out? Why physically go after each other, why pretend that being monogamous was the only workable solution? Such hatred and spite is so corrosive. I feel sorry for them both, sick to my stomach, and a nebulous rage about how stupid people can be.

Flowers, I get flowers. They just do their thing and no one gets hurt or is sad.

Bleeding Hearts, the flower and the feeling.

What I love about my bleeding hearts is they are reliable, prolific, and long lasting. These have been in bloom for at least two weeks. Pictured is Baby, the big offspring of the mother plant. She was placed in a trashy corner of the yard and has begun to thrive.

So, my personal bleeding heart. I had a good moment this morning, I stood up, and I was thankful I was able to get up by myself, in my own house, with delicious coffee nearby. Realized my haves are beginning to counter my have nots. They are not equal, and never shall be, but the emotional balance is stabilizing. Acceptance according to the flawed grief stage propaganda. Those stages are an outline and suggestion, and often a lie.

So my have nots are big, and in one word, Larry. My friend, my lover, my companion, my caretaker, my strong back, my handyman, chauffer, and landscaper. I have lost couple vacations, road trips, camping, and spontaneous outings. Really miss rides and road trips, I have loved those forever. I am frustrated I cannot run errands when I wish. I really miss common touch and sex. My reason to exist, my why, has fundamentally shifted to an unknown quantity. Well, I am not getting that back. I will always be sad about that, not even part of any equation. So here I am, sad, but lately, feeling like I am not entirely done.

My haves are varied and complex. My health, such as it is. My senses. My sanity (shut up). I have been vaccinated. My house, and an income to pay the bills of said house. My cats. My vacation points and Massage Envy membership. My stuff, clothes, jewelry, toys. My internet and Amazon to bring me things. My working appliances.

I have Desi, who is a treasure. Jeremy calls when he can, and that is a lovely connection. I have other friends and family who love me, although visits are sparse. If I cannot garden or drive or fix things, I can pay someone.

I can get up in the morning, and as long as I feed the cats, or do not have an appointment, or it isn’t trash day, I can pretty much do as I please. I can binge watch shows online or my DVDs or TV reruns. I have a Kindle and an Audible library to enjoy. I can sew, bead, or paint. I can garden. I can cook and bake. I can nap or I can get up at midnight and have tea and listen to music. I can go for a walk, although physically, that’s terrifying. I can ride my trike, also terrifying. I could restart my movie membership and go watch movies at the mall when I wish. I do not have friends in town, but I have always been rather solitary as long as I can remember. I even had close friends at times, and still was content when solo. I can do solo.

Perhaps my bleeding heart is coming back, blooming a bit. Transplanted to a trash corner of life? Let’s see what takes and what returns.

First of May, First of May

This morning was water the grass early, pull a few weeds, and plant some seeds. Pulled up a patch of weird grass in the patio bed to clear the sprinkler head, transplanted that to the back containers. Not a clue what it is other than prolific. I probably will get the shady flowers seeds in the ground today. Maybe even weed whack all the sprinkler heads so they are not overgrown. Someone needs to take me to the nursery to buy all the plants! ALL THE PLANTS!!!

The weather is warming, means I have the little fan going in the bedroom. A little squeaky meant a few drops of sewing machine oil, so it smells like mom when she was making dresses. It’s a cheap fan, I dream of owning a snazzy Dyson bladeless. This one was advertised as bladeless, but they’re simply covered.

The outdoor and Big Chores list is revamped. Surprisingly, a few items from the last list got done. A very few, but still, done. My little weekly list has been updated too, time for swap outs, stuff like sheets, silk flowers, clothing. I did get into the workroom and put boxes on the shelves in the closet, tidy the fabric totes, and move stuff around. If I had less stuff, I would have less to fuss with, but that’s another matter entirely.

I put in for a quote from TruGreen. After two years of no love, and no water, the front lawn is a mess. Lots of dandys, way to much bindweed, and not enough grass. No way I can salvage my front lawn myself. Chemicals it will be. Not the backyard, of course, I am actively trying to grow clover back there, and I have lovely lawn violets. Sure, there’s crabgrass, but not more than I can handle. The thing with the front yard is a combination of city ordinances and property values. Green grass is visually desirable. Noelle from Om and Garden will mow every other week, so that works. Hopefully the mower holds up! It’s 20 years old at least, a Craftsman.

And this is the good section.
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